Big butts make BIG farts.

I am almost ashamed to post this one...ALMOST.

Big Poppa farted, as daddy's tend to do once and a while, and it was very loud.

 The Cheese, from another room, laughs out loud and says "I HEARD THAT!"

The night continues without another word. As Big Poppa is getting his things ready for work the next day Cheese is being her usual "I don't want to go to bed because I can run off 8 minutes of sleep for 2 weeks" six-year-old self. She keeps hitting her daddy in the back and butt.

On the last punch to the ass Big Poppa farts in her general direction. (At least I am not a hamster and her father does not smell of elderberries.) She holds her nose and very loudly exclaims "YOUR FART WAS BIG LIKE GRANDMA'S!!!"

*Fits of convulsive laughter begin now*
*Texts Grandma to let her know what is being said, Grandma replies 'I'm not keeping anymore of her secrets either then.'*

Cheese goes running to her room and then opens the door to tell me she is ready for bed. Not another word from her about farting like Grandma.I tuck her in and get the Bird and myself ready for bed also. Big Poppa is already in bed, he leaves in the wee hours of the morn to go to work.

The next morning I awake to Gaga-esque eyes staring at me from the side of my bed. (It's so creepy waking up to this every Saturday morning. You think by this time I would be used to it but it's just not working out that way.) She says nothing and crawls into bed with me.

We lay there for a moment, a shared mother/daughter moment of sweetness and innocence...lost to the first words out of her mouth....

"To make big farts like Grandma you need a really big butt...Daddy has a huge butt!"

Hello Saturday...I've been waiting for you.

Again, we go on about our business, nothing more is said. She gets ready for dance and we head off with our dance bag, water bottles and Cheese. I drop her off and enjoy my hour and a half without her, doing nothing much else but waiting for her.

We get into the car, and when there are 10 little dance friends running to their cars to this can be quite the feat. And she looks at me and says quite honestly, "I need to go home and wash my body in a shower because when daddy put that big fart on me it made me stink like hell."

*Hangs head and stifles the laughter that should ensue.*

I guess we better go get some Lever because that fart penetrated all 2000 parts.

Peeing in the pool...

Cheese: "Hey mommy! I was told at school today you should never drink pool water because babies use the potty in there."

Okay, not exactly sure how we got to this topic tonight while watching NCIS and eating Chinese for dinner..I thought Cheese might want a taste of the old country.

Me: "Well, I know for a fact that you have peed in your pools so are you a baby?"

Cheese: "I don't know how to get my bathing suit off!"

Me: "Um well, there are ways. I guess I will have to show you how to do it."

Cheese: "I just pee through my suit because pee can go through a bathing suit. There are tiny holes in it that the pee can go through. I think you are supposed to pee in your suit...it makes it warm when you are cold."

*Gag and a giggle*
Cheese, putting the P in Pool since 2005.

Me: "You are NOT supposed to pee in your suit, that's gross. And you are NOT supposed to pee in the pool, also gross."

Cheese: "Well I do know one thing, you can't poop in your bathing suit. Those tiny holes aren't big enough for the poop to go through, it would smash into you and be gross."

*Blank stare*

Cheese: "Well you can't. It just won't go."

*Continued blank stare*

Cheese: "It's true, it really is."

*Texting Weasel as fast as my fingers of fury will type*

*Cue Jeopardy music waiting for a reply while Cheese stuffs Cap'n Crunch in her mouth and apparently ended said conversation with me*

The Reply:

Weasel: "Well, technically, she is right :)"

Me: "I know...it's just...how the fuck did I get here? Not even like to this point in my life but to this particular conversation?"

Weasel: "Was she wearing a bathing suit?"

Me: "Nope."

Weasel: "She's a hot mess."

Me: "Yep."

*Closing my eyes for a moment to reflect on tonight's conversation*

Do you want to come swimming with me? I know a great place. 

Boogers are like nachos!

Another failed attempt to finish homework and as I am reading directions to myself I realize that Cheese has taken off. Calling for her she appears out of her bedroom doorway walking toward me. I go back to reading and look up again when I see her feet before mine on the floor.

"Okay Cheese," I say before looking up to explain the page to her, only to find her elbow deep in her nose.

"That's really gross! You need to quit and wash your hands," sentence completed and just as I think she MIGHT be doing as I ask her finger, covered in slime, goes into her mouth.

Stifling my gag reflex, I again tell her to go wash her hands and that picking her nose is gross. I explain that's how people spread all the germs that she doesn't want.

*blank stare in return*

"Cheese please go wash your hands."

*Looks at me with Gaga eyes*

"I like to eat boogers, they make my fingers taste like nachos."

*Gag. Hold it in. Gag again. Refrain from puking.*

"Go wash your hands," I stand up and walk away.

Who wants dinner? I am thinking NACHOS!