Peeing in the pool...

Cheese: "Hey mommy! I was told at school today you should never drink pool water because babies use the potty in there."

Okay, not exactly sure how we got to this topic tonight while watching NCIS and eating Chinese for dinner..I thought Cheese might want a taste of the old country.

Me: "Well, I know for a fact that you have peed in your pools so are you a baby?"

Cheese: "I don't know how to get my bathing suit off!"

Me: "Um well, there are ways. I guess I will have to show you how to do it."

Cheese: "I just pee through my suit because pee can go through a bathing suit. There are tiny holes in it that the pee can go through. I think you are supposed to pee in your suit...it makes it warm when you are cold."

*Gag and a giggle*
Cheese, putting the P in Pool since 2005.

Me: "You are NOT supposed to pee in your suit, that's gross. And you are NOT supposed to pee in the pool, also gross."

Cheese: "Well I do know one thing, you can't poop in your bathing suit. Those tiny holes aren't big enough for the poop to go through, it would smash into you and be gross."

*Blank stare*

Cheese: "Well you can't. It just won't go."

*Continued blank stare*

Cheese: "It's true, it really is."

*Texting Weasel as fast as my fingers of fury will type*

*Cue Jeopardy music waiting for a reply while Cheese stuffs Cap'n Crunch in her mouth and apparently ended said conversation with me*

The Reply:

Weasel: "Well, technically, she is right :)"

Me: "I know...it's just...how the fuck did I get here? Not even like to this point in my life but to this particular conversation?"

Weasel: "Was she wearing a bathing suit?"

Me: "Nope."

Weasel: "She's a hot mess."

Me: "Yep."

*Closing my eyes for a moment to reflect on tonight's conversation*

Do you want to come swimming with me? I know a great place. 

Splatter Poop...

We are getting ready for bed last night, late as usual, and I was putting away some clothing left from closet clean out extravaganza. Cheese was sitting on her messy bed (as usual) reading a book called Life Size Zoo.

It's a pretty fantastic book, about 15 inches tall, each 2 page spread is one of one animal with a lot of facts. Cheese LOVES this book, she loves all books, but this one is one of her very favorites.

She proceeds to tell me all about the giraffe, the gorilla, the zebra. I get every piece of knowledge that the book has to offer. I even get the teacher style showing of the pictures, the cover of the book tucked against her belly as she waves the images across the room like she is reading to a crowd of kids instead of just one mom.

It's a beautiful thing having an intelligent kid who loves to read...except when she is being lazy. We are approaching her favorite animal, the TIGER....oooooh scary.  *insert sarcasm here* The two pages show big gnarling teeth, a sandpaper like tongue. It looks as if it is going to dine on us for dinner. Along the right page of the book are several facts about the beloved tiger. I get all sorts of knowledge such as,
"This page shows just how big a tiger head is, it's almost as big as daddy's."
"Looks at his big tongue, it is rough like sandpaper and it not only cleans his fur, mommy, but it rips all the muscles off the bones of the things it eats!" Really? Fantastic! Can we get one as a pet? Please....

That handy dandy yellow stripe going down the far right side is information about this particular tiger, like his name (Baito in case you wanted to know...I didn't.) How old he is, (5 years when the book was published in case you wanted to know...again, I didn't.)  It also talks about some of the visible features of the cat, like it's black lips and 4 large fangs. I was getting a close up at this point...you know I now know Baito's mouth very well thanks to my Cheese grinding the crease of the book into my nose. Directly under this information are "FACTS!"

Cheese, without reading, sees the the tiger drawn from behind and proclaims "Watch out, he is gonna poop!!" I watch her eyes scanning the page and then she says "Do you want to know what kind of poops tigers make?"

"Hmmm, my guess is cat poops."

"Nope mommy...not cat poops! It says right here on this drawing that the tiger makes splatter poops!"

Now giggling silently going into convulsions I get an explanation of what "splatter poop" is. I will spare you the details that I can only wish I had been spared.

I explained that she should check the book every body poops, but that might prove that she is wrong about splatter poops so we do NOT get that book out. Instead we continue to show everyone in the house that will listen the picture of the tiger spraying his territory and exclaiming that "Tigers have splatter poops!!"

I always thought splatter poops is what you got when you ate bad food or drank too much...apparently all it requires is being a tiger.