FAYAT

Eating pizza for dinner, I see Cheese quickly eat her piece. I scarf down half a pizza in no time. She keeps taking all the crust from everyone and eating them and eying me the entire time.

We keep talking as she is eating, it goes a little bit something like this:

Cheese: I CAN'T STOP EATING THESE!! They are so good!

Me: Don't eat too many! They'll make you sick. And they are so good because they are full of yummy carbs.

Cheese: I don't care, I want to eat them all!

Me: Carbs make you chubby. Believe me I know.

Cheese: It's okay, when we take a family picture I make you look skinny cause I stand in front of you.

Me: *Blank stare, straight mouth*

Me: I was skinny when you were a baby.

Cheese: *Rolls eyes and makes a smirky face*

Cheese: *Looks down nose like a cop, moves her invisible aviators* I'm gonna need to see proof of this.

Me: Ask grandma!

Grandma: *Nods, laughing*

Cheese: I don't think so...

Me: What are you saying?

Cheese: Nothing...you told me if I couldn't say anything nice then don't say anything at all. And what I was gonna is NOT pooooolite.

Me: Are you saying I am fat?

Cheese: You're not fayat. (This is her drawl on it...I wish inflection of tone could be typed)

Me: Well, what exactly are you saying to me?

Cheese: *smirk* Nothing.

Me: Go ahead...say it.

Cheese: Well, *I* didn't say it but yes...yes, you are fayat.

Me: *straightest of straight line mouths*

Cheese shrugs her little shoulders, and smiles with that evil grin that looks so scarily familiar.

Now I am going to go eat a pint of ice cream and add to my fayat...wait that's NOT polite!

Greatest Day EVAR

Cheese gets new stickers while on vacation with Papaw and Grandma in the Smokey Mountains.

"This is the GREATEST day of my life"

I wish, even if for a moment, that I could be THAT excited for something so menial as stickers. 


Cheese gets a new puppy beanie baby while on vacation with Papaw and Grandma in the Smokey Mountains.

"This is definitely the GREATEST day of my life"

Cheese gets rocks from the Mill in the Smokey Mountains:

"The Smokey Mountains are the GREATEST days ever!"

Cheese gets fudge from the candy store in the Smokey Mountains and eats all of it before returning home:

"Can you take me back next weekend to get more chocolate fudge?"

"I can make you fudge at home, Cheese. " says Grandma

"But I want to go back to the Smokeys naow!"

Cheese had the GREATEST days of her eight short years in the Smokey Mountains. I am guessing we will be making another trip soon. 

Not Today

After dinner tonight, Cheese, Grandma and I were sitting around the table talking and having a few laughs.

Grandma made a statement Cheese did not approve of so she stood up and walked to my mom and covered her mouth with her hand.

We giggled for a moment and then a thought crossed my mind. (This is a statement that I know she will be insanely pissed and embarrassed about when she is older.)

Me: So, uh, Cheese...did you pick your butt?

Cheese: NOT TODAY!!! *lady gaga eyes*

Me: *Blank stare*

Grandma: *Deer in headlights*

Me: That's just gross.

Ya itchy?? Let me help you with that.

Pigs are friends....and food.

Dinner conversation at our house is never dull, ever. But of course when your child is the one named Cheese how can it be?

Dinner is served, we are having a Kentucky tradition for dinner, hot browns. For those who don't know what a hot brown is I will explain. It is turkey or chicken served on top of toast, topped with bacon and tomatoes and then smothered in a cheese sauce. They are out of this world. Of course, Cheese has no tomato on hers.

Everyone is gathered around the table, hot browns set before us. We are digging in and I eye my eldest daughter slurping her bacon up like a piece of spaghetti. I watch amazed at how quickly and efficiently she achieves this.

She catches me eyeballing her and turns to look at me. Some times when she does this the hair on my arms stands up because it is purely evil but tonight it was questioning. Her look read "What the fuck do you want?" and "Take a picture, it will last longer."

"You really love bacon, don'tcha Cheese?"

"Yup, I love bacon. It's good for my belly."

Keep in mind this child probably consumes as much bacon as Wendy's uses in a week on baconators. She could survive solely on bacon alone.

"Mommy, do you think Papa would buy me a pig to keep at his house?"

"Hmmm, good question Cheese. Why do you want a pig? They poop a lot you know."

"I am okay with that. He would be in a field anyway, not like it's our carpet. But baby pigs are cute. They are cuddly and fuzzy and sweet...."

Dramatic pause inserted here because she knows how to work the room.

"And then when they grow up you can kill them and make bacon!"

*cough and choke on my bite*

"You would kill your pet?"

"Yep, the world needs ham mommy."

Point taken, enough said.

"Yes the world needs ham but it wouldn't need your ham, there are farms that grow pigs just for that purpose."

"Well then the ham would be all mine. Bacon for every day."

Bacon for every day folks. And for everyone.

Step Daddy

It's been a while, I know. A hiatus of sorts for me. Things have been busy here, so many things that Cheese has spouted off.

Cleaning out was my intention, looking for a lost piece of my history. Cheese was being ever so helpful with the process. Pulling things out of the container and shouting in my face "WHAT IS THIS?! WHEN DID YOU GET IT?! CAN I HAVE IT?!" She was excited because she found a teddy bear, and some other odds and ends that I graciously gifted her.

While digging away I see her pull a stone gray folder out, just big enough for a 5x7 picture. My eyes grew wide because I knew what was in it, I was waiting to gauge her reaction. This was going to be fucking fantastic!

I watched her nimble little fingers pry the folder apart, her eyes grew into GaGa eyes as she stared down at the portrait inside. She looked up at me, wide gaze still in place, then glanced back down. She did four or five takes between me and the photograph. Her mouth hung open, jaw on the floor. Then slowly and surely her eyes met mine one more time.

She speaks!!

"Is that you mommy?"
"Yes love, that's mommy a long time ago."
"But your hair is yellow....and...you're....not fat."


There it is, a knife in my heart. Go ahead sweet Cheese, twist it some more.

"Well, love, mommy was quite a bit younger then."
"Who is that boy with you?"
"That was my date. Mr. Zoot Suit himself."
"Well, I want to meet my other daddy."

What the fuck?! How did we get from "mommy you're a fat ass" to "I want to meet my other daddy."?  I just cocked my head to one side, almost as if pondering the comeback and she met me movement for movement. I sat there, almost stunned to being without words.

"Um, well, you'll probably never meet him because he's not your daddy."

Silence!! Yes!! I won!! I beat her at her own game.

"Well if he isn't my daddy why the hell are you in a fancy dress with those grandma shoes with another silly boy in a silly suit."

-Sigh- A long deep one at that.

"It's a formal dance, my love. Girls wear pretty dresses and boys wear silly suits, pin flowers on each other and dance the night away followed by a good amount of parties."

"Did you drink beers?"
"Yes, Cheese, I did."
"Then he is my daddy, you drank with him and I bet you made babies together."

Who the hell taught my kid this shit? Oh yeah, that would be late night television since the little shit won't go to bed. That's right, sleep is for the weak.

Deep breath mommy, deep breath. "Well, while I did drink beers with my date I did NOT make babies with him. That is something a mommy and daddy do when they are in love and believe me I was not in love with my date."

Cue Daddy's arrival....THANK YOU GOD!

"Daddy, did you know that I have another daddy?!"

Fuck. My. Life. Really?

"Um well this is news to me?" Now I am getting the one eyebrow up and one eyebrow down look. The man with the rubber face knows how to this look soooooo well.

"Prom." One word, that's all he gets, I am not going into depth anymore. My brain hurts from this conversation.

I get the nod that he understands, he goes on his way.

"So when am I going to meet my other daddy?"

"Soon, Lovey, soon."

Defeat...I admit defeat. You win this time Cheese.

Beauty school is cheaper than college...

It's a typical Wednesday in the House of Cheese. She gets home (along with Man and the little one I babysit for an hour or so after school), unloads her crap into the spot where she keeps her shoes and backpack...it's called the living room floor.

Today, is a tad bit different. She has her friend Hot Rod over. Hot Rod is in first grade too. They dump and run, straight outside while my little Buddy is here. Two boys, two girls, life is perfect out in my back yard. They are running, and playing "honey badgers". It seems Hot Rod and Cheese and Buddy are hunters and Man is the badger. I am watching out the window, glass of cold sweet tea in hand when I see "the hunters" run over and poke Man with sticks to ensure that he is in fact a dead badger. It seemed odd to me because I really thought honey badgers didn't give a shit and that they were pretty bad ass. I guess Randall was wrong.

Buddy's dad came along to pick him up about an hour after they got home. He took off with his dad, guess he had had enough of honey badgers trying to eat him. The others march in the back door as Buddy is pulling out of the driveway.

Hot Rod: "It's sooo hot outside, we decided to come in and play since Buddy left."

Man, Cheese and Hot Rod ask if they can play downstairs in the playroom since it is considerably cooler down there. I agree because I know these 3 are fairly responsible kids. OR so I thought....

About another hour goes by and Hot Rod's mom (Prego) and baby brother show up to pick her up. I call for the kids and they come up without hesitation. In this hour I never heard any screaming or throwing of things, just lots of laughs and three kids getting along...that should have been the first sign right there.

The kids are all on the floor playing with the babies, Birdie and Scratch. A few more minutes passes and Prego says "Hot Ride, did you cut your hair?"

Hot Rod turns a little pink but admits that she cut her bangs because they were in her face and she was tired of Scratch pulling them. Thankfully her mom is laid back like me, so it was no big deal. We continue asking questions for all the logistics of what happened.

About 20 minutes later, after deciding I was sure I had not left scissors in the playroom, I was told,

"There are four pairs down there and I used the ones with the red handles!" The greatest thing about Hot Rod is she is NOT a fibber. She will always tell you the truth, even when the truth hurts.

"Well, I don't know how they got down there but man!" I said and before I could finish my train of thought Hot Rod pops back in, "Cheese used them too!!"

Cheese is sitting on the floor in front of me, head down as she has been playing with the babies on the floor. I ask her to turn and look at me. She does, at this point in time, Cheese's hair is actually semi-long. It is past her shoulders, she was growing it out for recital. I look at her face and I finally spot it, upon quick glance it was easily missed. She has chopped two sections of hair up to her ears. Each section is about two inches wide.

I just looked at her and said "Well, no more long hair for recital, we will have to get that cut." I had decided that after Hot Rod left I would call our friend, Gimp, to cut it since she is a hair dresser. We continue talking while Hot Rod is gathering her things and putting her shoes on. About another 20 minutes passes and Man says "Well they cut mine too, and it hurt!!!"

Turns out Man's is invisible other than a giant red circle where it looks like the roots may have been ripped out.

I call Gimp  to see if she can fix her hair, I have heard of CPS getting called for less so I am guessing they'd get called for her hair being chopped up. We got to Gimp's house and she puts Cheese in the stool and brushes it out. It is decided that it is fixable, she will just round it out.

She drapes her in the awesome hot pink cape, and grabs her water bottle to wet her down. The first few sprays hit and nothing new comes up, but the wetter her hair gets the more tiny pieces start popping up. What looked like a two inch section became almost a four inch section with pieces as short as an inch.. It was evident that the only way to fix it is to chop the rest off and give her the little bob she always wears.

She loves her new cut, but don't dare ask her what the hell happened, she won't answer.

But after a little research, Prego and I decided that beauty school is way cheaper than Harvard.

Buzz Lightyear to Star Command....do you read?

Sweet Cheese...she can be the most darling little thing and she can also be the most hateful prat that God put on the face of this earth.

This week we had a short week at school which is always a treat. We only have ten days left at this point but Thursday she pleaded for her Monster to spend the night. I agreed, Monster and Cheese had not had a slumber party in a while, Monster's mom is a teacher so she is crazy busy with all the year end things. The afternoon and night go as beautifully as it possibly can. There were no fights, no screaming, no hitting or pulling hair. They just played, they were just little girls. The took baths and went right to bed like sweet angels.

Morning came, and again, we spent it with no effort, just playing. It was like a dream come true. I went early and retrieved Monster's mom, Shit Weasel. She is down a vehicle at the moment so I did what any one's Bitch Monkey would do and went to get her. We got to do something we rarely do together, we zoned out on shitty television while the babes in toyland played. Around lunch we were reaching total saturation, this is the point in time when the girls have had absolutely enough of each other and should be separated because physical violence usually ensues.

All 3 of the big kids, Man, Monster and Cheese whine that they are hungry...do I look like a chef?? I keep sloughing them off and saying "Just a minute" but in Brianna's own words "just a minute never freakin' comes, Mommy". I tell them I will be there soon enough and to go play. They decide that they are going to play Kerplunk only this one is the Toy Story version and it's a rocket that you fill with LGM (Little Green Men) instead of marbles.

Here comes Monster around the corner, pouty face perfectly intact. "She won't let me help her put the sticky things in."

From the kitchen I hear Cheese, "She can put the ay-glee-ins in."

Me: "Okay, Monster, your job is to put the aliens in, so when she is done putting the stick thingies in, it will be your turn."

This seems like the perfect plan...for the perfect storm.

From the kitchen all I can hear is a low rumbling of bitching between the two of them. Both come from the kitchen, which in our house is has 2 entries to the rest of the house, so they each come from a different direction.

"Cheese is putting the aliens in the rocket and that's my job."

"Well she wasn't doing it fast enough so I can help her."

Me: "Well, you put the sticks in and her job is to put the aliens in. That's what YOU decided."

Monster (always so well meaning yet perfectly timed on when it will piss Cheese off the most): "But that's not fair cause you didn't let me help with the stickies."

Cheese: "Life ain't always about being fair...." in her low Johnny Cash voice with her Gaga eyes. She stomps towards her room and in what can ONLY be described the scene from Jurassic Park when the raptors are on the loose, she slams her head sideways into the wall so hard that it makes our kitchen lights flicker and the a/c kick on.

Shit Weasel turns to look at me, and says "What kind of fucked up life lessons are you teaching this child?"

Good ones, Weasel....VERY good ones.

At least I know she has a a huge shot at the role if Spielberg ever needs another raptor...